he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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