I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I will pee on everything he values.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
