i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
