Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
