U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
