Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
