Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Actions speak louder than pants.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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