Can Purell be used as lube?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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