Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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