if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
