Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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