my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
