call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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