Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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