Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
