Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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