I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We had to coat check the pizza.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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