Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
