puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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