I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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