he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
