There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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