Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Is it because I queefed?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
