The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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