I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Terrible idea I love it
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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