i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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