I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
