She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
