For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
