Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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