I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
