I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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