last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
