just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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