I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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