at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
