Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
