i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The best revenge is premature balding
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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