Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
