Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
