dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
