I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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