Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
