I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
