I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
