Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
