This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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