Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
