1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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