She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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