I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
