It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
