You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
