The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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