There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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