Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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