Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
