I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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