Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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