SEEEEXXX PLEASE
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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