good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
